See See See !!!

An elderly couple went to watch a contest for the strongest bull. After the contest they went to the 3rd prize bull's owner, wanting to know what his secret was.

The woman asked; "How do you make your bull so strong?"

The owner said; "You have to make sure the bull makes love once a week."
The woman turned to her husband and said; “See!"

The old man was displeased but said nothing.

They then went to the 2nd prize bull's owner and the old woman asked the same question, to which the owner replied; "You must make sure your bull makes love 2 or 3 times a week."

Again the woman turned to her husband and said; "See! See!"

The old man was annoyed but remained silent.

They then went to the 1st prize bull's owner and again the old woman asked the same question. The reply was; "You must make sure your bull makes love at least once every day."

The woman turned to her husband and said; “See! See! See!"

This time the old man got angry and asked the owner; "But does your bull always make love to the same cow?"

The owner replied; "No, no. Many many cows."

The old man quickly turned to the old woman and said; "See! See! See! See!"

Mental

During a visit to the mental hospital, as friend asked the Director 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted to the hospital.'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' the friend said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the drain plug. Well........ Do you want a bed near the window?'

Great Suggestion

XXX Jokes

Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive rather than blood donation?Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!


Man No 1 : "My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my dick & said 'first gear, 2nd gear...."
Man No 2 : "My wife is worse! She puts my dick inside her & said "Full tank please."


Question : What is the closest thing that is similar to a woman's period?
Answer : Your SALARY! It comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days & if it doesn't come, you're in big trouble!


A woman gave birth to 6 babies. On seeing this she got off the hospital bed, slapped her husband & shouted, "I told you not to do it doggy style!"


A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.The teller says, "Sorry, madam, this note is a fake.""Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been RAPED!"


"Your secretary publicly said you have a small dick, what would you comment on this?""The truth is = she has a big mouth!"


A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love.She said, "Aww, so sorry... excuse me pleazo, Front hole is so happy that my back hole laugh out loud!"
Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.


What's the difference between biology and sociology?When the baby looks like his mom or dad = it's biology. When he looks like the neighbour, = it is sociology.


What do u call the useless piece of flesh attached to the dick ? = The MAN.


Whoever first said "A dog is man's best friend" = he must have never seen a pussy before.......


Why is breast milk good for health?Because it is great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing and comes in attractive containers.


Why was the two-piece bikini invented?To separate the meat section from the dairy section.


A mother was scolding the daughter, "I don't like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb.""No, Mama," she said, "He is going to be a doctor. See, he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month!"

Sign Language

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus
ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents"

"Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was
going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the
milk-farm,and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she
left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

ABCDEFG

Bush & Israeli Mossad

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.

Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:

'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down.'

The spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, & noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an Open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks put them in the accounts department .

If they are recounting them.. put them in auditing ..

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks put them in engineering .

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order put them in planning .

If they are throwing the bricks at each other put them in operations .

If they are sleeping put them in security .

If they have broken the bricks into pieces put them in information Technology .

If they are sitting idle put them in human resources .

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day put them in marketing .

If they are staring out of the Window put them on strategic Planning.

And then last but not least if they are talking to each other
and not a single brick has been moved...

Congratulate them and put them in Top management

Wife & GF !

Some people say :

Wife is a HARIMAU ...............
Girlfriend is HARI HARI MAU

And some say:
Wife is like TV, Girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

At home watch TV, Go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old but HP, is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding.

Most Important, TV got remote but HP doesn't have.

Last but not least.......

TV do not have virus but HP have VIRUS....
Once get it, HABIS LAH.

So better choose TV lah!

That Long ?

Potong Zakar

Two old friends - a Chinaman and a Malay were having a conversation recently ....

Apek:Lu potong zaka ada bagut ka?

Ali: Manyak bagus. Bila lu potong haa, lu punya barang manyak bersih loo...

Apek: err ... saya kawan ala cakap, potong zaka aaahh.... manyak ploblem..

Ali: Apa problem?

Apek: Manyak buang lui, lagi aah... dia punya performance tadak bagut... manyak cinang semputloh ...

Ali: Cehh... apek, lu apa cerita... saya suda lama potong. tada apa problem... bini saya manyak puas woo...

Apek: Lu mini puas sama itu potong zaka ka?

Ali: Ya laa. Bila lu potong aahh... lagi sedap main woo.. lu lagi lambat pancut..

Apek: err... lu punya 1.3 atau 1.5??

Ali: woi apek cakap baik2 sikit ha ... saya punya 6 inci laa..

Apek: lu jangan main2 haa... mana ada potong zaka 6 inci..

Ali: Cilaka apek ni...nah tengok (opens his trousers).

Apek: Chee sin punya olang.....gua tanya baik2 ... lu tunjuk lupunya lanchiau..

Ali: Abis... lu tada percaya..saya tunjuk la..

Apek: Saya tadak tanya sama lu punya lanchiau... Saya tanya lu pasal itu nasional car... potong zaka.. bolo punya olang..


Ali: Aiya... apek... lain kali lu sebut betul2 la....kasi susa saja.. Bukan potong zaka la..... Proton Saga........lah

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought,'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

Genius

A standard 1 teacher, Ms Smith was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Boy, what is your problem?'

Boy Answered, 'I'm too smart for std 1. My sister is in std 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in std3 too!'

Ms Smith had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.

While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was. The principal told Ms Smith he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of
his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3x3?'

Boy: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6x6?'

Boy: '36'.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Smith and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade.' Ms Smith says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?' The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms Smith asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Boy: after a moment 'Legs.'

Ms Smith: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy: 'Pockets.'

Ms Smith: 'What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?'

Boy: 'Coconut'

Ms Smith: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: 'Bubblegum'

Ms Smith: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....

Boy: 'Shake hands'

Ms Smith: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Ms Smith: 'You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. '

Boy: 'Tent'

Ms Smith: 'A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. '

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: 'Wedding Ring '

Ms Smith: 'I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.'

Boy: 'Nose'

Ms Smith: 'I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. '

Boy: 'Arrow'

Ms Smith: 'What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?'

Boy: 'Firetruck '

Ms Smith: 'What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand. '

Boy: 'Fork '

Ms Smith: 'What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? '

Boy: 'SURNAME '

Ms Smith: 'What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love? '

Boy: 'HEART. '

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'

Mini with 2 flat tires

Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down.

His secretary walked up to him and asked, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" This was not a phrase that Her Boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled.


When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his Zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his Secretary had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, He said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked In there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."

Ah Beng Joke

Ah Beng told his servant: Go and water the plants!
Servant: It's already raining.
Ah Beng : So what? Take an umbrella and go.


Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.


Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.


Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610


Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

The Wedding Test

Got this via email... guys ought to read this :D



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been Dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"




And the moral of this story is:

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"Always keep your condoms in your car"

Malaysia Boleh!

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Swedish scientistsfound traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to theconclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network morethan1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Swedes, in the weeks that followed, Englishscientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines intheUK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000yearold fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors alreadyhadan advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand yearsearlier than the Swedes.

One week later, Malaysian newspapers reported the following: After diggingas deep as 5000 meters in padi fields in Kedah, Malaysian scientistshavefound absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000yearsago, Malaysian's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

MALAYSIA BOLEH!!!!!

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"

The> woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

Wife : "Very good, thank you."

Husband : "And, what happened to my present?"

Wife : "Which present?"

Husband : "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

Wife : "Oh, that. Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Ghost Talk

Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.

1st ghost : How u died?

2nd ghost : I died of cold.

1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?

2nd ghost : Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not much sufferings.

1st ghost : You're so pityful....

2nd ghost : How about you? How did u die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.

2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that running,I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost : Why didn't you look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of us were alive now!!